Bentley the Kamikaze Turtle and Other Strange Tale
by alibabathief
Summary: Product of a wierd idea and a strange imagination. Will contain more than one story. WARNING Really stupid and random
1. Chapter 1

Once there was a day that was just like any other day, Murray was acting like an idiot, sorry, a PURPLE idiot. Sly, as cool as he was was in Bollywood on a trip with Carmelita, well not EXACTLY a trip, he sort of got arrested, very long story. And Bentley, he just might have been doing something a little out of the ordinary. Bentley had snuck into Sly's room to search for his missing plushy named Bob the janitor. Suddenly a guinea pig wearing a kimono popped up in the air in front of him.

"YOUNG MASTER! YOU SHALL BE THE NEXT KAMIKAZE TURTLE OF THE UPPER… THE UPPER… UM WHEREEVER WE ARE!" "WAAHHH SLLLYYY! SCARY PERSON!" Bentley chocked the wise old guinea pig guy full of sleeps darts and set him on fire. "DIE EVIL PIG OF GUINEA!"

After Bentley had effectively chopped, sliced, and inflicted mental torture on the guinea pig by forcing him to eat at Arbys, he was finally dead. Bentley tried to flush him down the toilet but unfortunately it clogged, so he blew the toilet up, getting crap all over Sly's stuff. Bentley was angry, so he picked up a really long knife and stabbed Murray, flinging him out the window like a dead chicken after he died.

After that, Bentley was bored, so he jumped out the window after Murray's body and stabbed all of the spear bearing monkeys that came near him. Barney popped out of the floor and told him to be nice, so he tied Barney to a steak, burned him alive, and ate him, the burnt flesh tasting a lot like burnt flesh. Bentley then stood and started down the street, blowing up elephants as he made his way to Rajan's palace. When he got there, the door was guarded, so he just killed all of the guards with his bad breath.

When he got there, Rajan was killing someone. "You suck, that's my job." Bentley bombed the whole palace and it came down on all of their heads, killing them all instantaneously.

**The End**

Next chapter: Murray, attack of the flaming constipated chicken.


	2. Murray the Flaming Constipated Chicken!

Thanks all of you people who reviewed, I'll thank you personally in the next chapter.

One day Murray was acting like an idiot. The day after that Murray acted like an idiot. The day after that Murray made out with Sir Raleigh the toad and acted like an idiot. The day AFTER that Murray decided to do something productive with his time and make a chicken sandwich.

Murray ran into the hideouts kitchen, grabbed a slug and choked it for no apparent reason, after that, inspector Carmelita Fox came in the door covered in cheese. "I love you Murray!" she hugged Murray and jumped an eighth floor window, grabbing a machete and made a living killing slugs that lived in the tree next to the window for the rest of her life.

Suddenly the guinea pig master popped out of the floor, wearing a bath robe because Bentley had ruined his favorite kimono and the other one was at the dry cleaners. Clockwerk burst out of the floorboards. "MUAHAHAHAH! YOU SHALL DIE CREEPY GUINEA PIG THAT KEEPS POPPING UP RANDOMLY IN THIS STORY!"

Clockwerk ate the guinea pig, turned blue, and fell over dead, muttering that he tasted like Arbys. "YAY! CLOCKWERK'S DEAD!" Sly led a Congo line through the hideout led the whole line to the basement.

Murray, oblivious to all these events, picked up a toothbrush and went outside to slaughter a chicken. Standing in front of the door was a French rat, so Murray brushed his teeth and stabbed him to death with the toothbrush. Might as well die with nice breath…

Murray continued to kill anything that got in his way with the toothbrush of doom, and the dental floss of dastardliness. The Orbit gum lady popped out of the floor and Murray ignored her because he thought she was scary. Finally he got to the chicken pen.

The chickens were all running into the walls on fire screaming about cheese. Murray got a happy look on his face. "These are my people." Murray jumped into the pen and lit himself on fire, putting a pineapple on his head and acting like a neurotic chicken. Bentley, Sly, Rajan, Muggshot, and Clockwerk all joined them and they formed a club of people who think guinea pigs wearing kimonos are scary.

Carmelita jumped out of the tree dancing with the scary tribe of monkeys that live in trees, and a lot of people got killed while doing the tango.

**THE END**

Next chapter: Sly is the next Mary Poppins!


	3. Sly is Mary Poppins Part 1

Wow! I'm surprised none of you have read a random story before. Good Grief. You guys should get out of this category sometime. I swear that some of you have never read any category besides Sly though. I'm sort of a freelancer; maybe it's just me…

Kaiseronni- thanks! I assure you, Sly shall be Mary Poppins (grins evilly)

Coriana Raposa- I don't know whether I should thank you or not. Are you saying you like my story, or it's utter crap?

Gothic Meowzi- AWESOME NAME! I adore your stories, mostly just too lazy to review though. Same message I gave to Coriana

Winged Sence- Séance is actually spelled like s-e-a-n-c-e, and thanx! You have given me several wonderful ideas. You are also right about the sugar high thing, can you say ice cream! I have a confession to make, this is actually my little brother's account, and I'm really ivorypanther. All he does is randomly flame people, and accidentally used my account one time to flame a lot of people, so I write all of my spoofs on his account. Just thought you might like to know.

NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO! Murray ran into the room startled by the frantic tone in Sly's voice. He snorted, "What is it Sly? Snort." I CANT FIND MY FREAKING MARY POPPINS WIG! NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Sly fell on the ground and started to twitch, salsa pouring out of his mouth. He looked at Murray's flaming pineapple. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

BOB! Bentley jumped into the room, grabbed the pineapple and stroked it lovingly. "Bob, my sweetie weetie tweetie Bobby wobby Dobby. Suddenly the ghost of Sly's long dead father showed up. Its OK SON! Come sit on my lap, and I will give you a new wig of crap, you are such a young chap, I like to rap! "DADDY"

Sly shrieked and jumped onto his father's lap, forgetting that he was a ghost, and he fell through his dad onto the floor, his head covered in crap. Sly jumped off the ground, and a plot twist suddenly occurred, sucking them all into a random black hole.

Suddenly they landed in a Jedi space ship; Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were fighting, and abruptly stopped. "Join the dark side Luke." "No "Please" "No" "Please" No" "PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAASEEEEEEEEE"

"OK, but I need a cool new name, LIKE BENTLEY!" Bentley jumped off the floor, his eyes, and his pineapple's nonexistent eyes, glowing in turtley-wurtley-furtley rage. "AAARGHHH I do not like it when people steal my name GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Bentley put the pineapple on his head and a random yard gnome drew a frowny face on it. BEHOLD, I AM THE KAMIKAZE TURTLE!" The guinea pig materialized, "you have fulfilled your destiny, now give me fifty bucks Vader." "Crap" Darth Vader gave the guinea pig a fifty, and then Luke skywalker choked it with the dark side of the force. "Kids, it is not nice to choke people, let us sing the song of happy housecleaning!" Sly started to sing, very crappily at that, and clean out the dark lord Sidious's death star with his magical crappy nanny powers. Carmelita materialized, with her army of scary cheese slugs, all armed with a guacamole garbage pixie stick. "DO I HEAR THE CRY OF THE EVIL GLORFERG, THE EVIL SLUG THAT DWELLS IN MY TREE AND SCREAMS VERY CRAPPILY!" Sly screamed like a little girl flavored chimpanzee for several hours, shattering the glass, and knocking them all into deep space, miraculously saving the main characters in this story, and killing off the slugs because the evil author is feeling homicidal.

**THE END**

**Next chapter**

Sly is Mary Poppins Part two Because the Author Is Running out of Ideas and is Really Open To New Suggestions, Hello People Will You Please Review?


	4. Fairy Cow! SIMP Part Two

Now back to the critically (not really) acclaimed (not that much for a fan fic) HEY, I'M TALKING HERE! (well I happen to be the annoying little author notes that eventually pop up in every fic.) Whats your name anyways (C3PO, I got fired when Luke discovered that I was an advocate of the Dark side.) This is so unbelievably wrong (tell me about it, I don't get free Jedi car insurance anymore.) THE JEDI GET FREE CAR INSURANCE? This explains a lot… anyways, to the story. (JAR JAR BINKS IS MY NAME GRROP no jar Jar I believe it is, "my name is Jar Jar Binks, uh what are you doing with that chainsaw, JARJAR?) Sigh, I hate disclaimers, I don't own star wars, and I don't own Sly Cooper, satisfied? Now I have to go save that gay robot… (YAAAAAAHHHHHHH) sigh

When the slugs got blasted out of the spaceship, all of the annoying characters in Sly Cooper, by some unbelievable miracle were spared, the pineapple only losing its arms and legs in the process, but wait, pineapples don't have arms and legs, so never mind. Carmelita was still screaming "Glorfburg Glorfburg!" While chasing the still crappily singing Sly Cooper around the fastly degenerating space ship. Suddenly Leia Skywalker appeared.

"DEAR OLDER BROTHER, WHY HAVE YOU JOINED THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE?" Nobody really cares about Leia Skywalker though, so the mafia appeared and forced a cow who speaks in 5768496 and a half languages to swallow her, then the mafia disappeared, leaving behind the cow.

Suddenly Sly stood, I didn't tell you he had fallen down, but this heightens the dramatic effect, and I think it sounds cool. "COME CHILDREN, WE MUST JOIN HANDS AND SING!" suddenly the cow discovered his magical sense of sarcasm, "joy."

Sly took out his umbrella and hit himself in the head for several half hours. "What's the matter, DON'T YOU LIKE TO SING?"

Sly danced around with his umbrella, once again singing very crappily. "I'm sure that at least one person in the world would like to sing, but I happen to be a cow, which happens to have just eaten Leia Skywalker, and I'm not even a FRIGGING HUMAN!" Sly was sent into a temporary coma from the cows biting sarcasm.

AAAHHH! "Bentley was running around, and the scary guinea pig was chasing him around with a jumbo pixie stick. "YOU MUST COME BACK! I WAS ABOUT TO APPOINT YOU TO THE JEDI COUNCIL!" "I'M SCARED OF FREE CAR INSURANCE! SLY!" Suddenly the cow decided to join the dark side of the force, and a genie popped out of the ground.

"Hey genie, I wanna join the dark side of the force!" The genie got a really screwed look on his face like he was about to crap. "Your with is my command." POOF! The cow turned into the cow on the American cheese commercial, you know the one that looks like a fairy? If you haven't seen it, then lucky you. Since it happened to be such an ugly spectacle, everyone stopped to stare at it. The cow flew through the roof with his absurdly tiny wings to look for some loser whose greatest desire is to eat really crappy cheese.

Since the cow decided not to close the hole that he flew through, they and the genie were all sucked into deep space, the cow spared from this fate because he had gone to join the powerpuff girls; they were the only losers in the world whose greatest desire was to eat cheese. Sly awoke at this moment and opened his umbrella, flying them all back to earth along with the group of neurotic penguins.

When they got there, sly and the neurotic penguins had a tea party with the neurotic chickens, except the tea was poisoned so all the creatures drinking tea except Sly died, but no one really cared about them, did they?

**THE END**

**Next chapter**

**Carmelita of the Scary Tree Slugs**


	5. Neyla the Craphole is Stuck in a Tree!

This is so retarded, my dad wont let me get on the internet, god this is retarded. He won't shut the freak up. SHUT UP! I don't frigging care! Gosh… hhhmmmm, ooooooohh! I got a brilliant idea! Instead of it being Carmelita in the tree, why not neyla? WWWOOOHHOOO! This is gonna be fun… MUAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!

Ever wonder what would happen to Neyla would do if she was stuck in a tree? About five minutes of randomness!

After Neyla had jumped out of the window, she landed very gracefully in a container of pillows that Sly's evil collection of yard gnomes collected. MAN this story is filled with weird coincidences…ANYWAYS. Neyla wondered for several minutes about where she was, dimwittedly forgetting that she was in Sly Cooper's tree, and that she was only three feet off of the ground.

Her tiny brain could not fathom that she was in a relatively small tree, so she decided she didn't care, and she set off to explore the ginormous (not really) tree.

After exploring all three inches of the branch she was sitting on, and being too stupid to climb up a branch, Neyla decided she was annoyed, so she started to scream rreeeeaaalllyyy loud with that annoying British accent she uses in the whole game, like, AGGGGGGG! THERE IS CHEESE ON MY HEAD!

Suddenly Carmelita popped up out of thin air and chopped Neyla's head off, irrelevantly sending it to Tokyo to spam sucker punches rival company; the people who were working on Zelda's Twilight princess.(That game is gonna be so FRIGGING AWESOME!) Suddenly Yoda took the nonexistent Jedi elevator to the tree to talk to Carmelita because it's really frigging boring in trees.

"Ahhh… path to the dark side murder is." Carmelita stated back sharply, "Who gives a crap?" Yoda thought for a minute, "Good point you have." A monkey flew from the top of the tree and put a confederate flag on Neylas extremely ugly dead body, then flying away on his magical wings of turkey.

Yoda found the flag to be offensive to the Jedi culture so he set Neyla on fire, and invited a tribe of cannibals from the South Seas to partake in the eating of her crap-like flesh. While cooking marshmallows over her dead body, the cannibal's discovered that 1) You cannot start a bonfire in a tree without burning it to the ground 2) A whole tribe of cannibals cannot fit into a tree.

The cannibals fell about three feet to the center of the earth, and miraculously left the thieves, Carmelita, and Yoda intact, so… Bentley said. Before he had a chance to finish his question, a blonde girl with a triangle on her head wearing a pink dress threw Neyla's head into outer space from Tokyo, sending it burning into the atmosphere.

After that, they all decided that they would go on a killing spree. When there was no one left, they just sat there and looked bored like idiots, then a comet struck the earth and killed them all except Yoda, cause HE ROX MY SOX! OOH, dramatic ending, your sarcastic side thinks this is retarded (shut up) MAKE ME! I am sarcasm, and I wont SHUT UP! (PLEASE shut up) Fine, good grief quiet, you take all the fun out of everything. Suddenly, by a strange twist of fate, Sly came up behind me and killed my 2 evil personality traits.

**THE END**


	6. PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT!

Announcement to my adoring (not really) public

This story is SO not finished; I just forgot to put what the next chapter is called, any ideas?


	7. Sly Cooper Rap Battle!

Chapter: Ways to amuse yourself while stranded on Arpeggio's blimp.

Sly opened his eyes. "Where the crap are we?"

"Beats me." WAAH SLY! Some random bird was torching Bentley while another cooked hotdogs over his corpse. WHHAHHHH! SLY! Penelope grabbed a tub of lard and quickly drowned the birdie in the tub of lard. Ahhh… finally, a day off. Murray stood up. "OHH NO! WE'RE ON Arpeggio's BLIMP!"

The cannibals all screamed in shock and Bentley's pet monkey ate them. They all stood there for a few seconds, and stood there, and stood there, and stood there. Finally Sly screamed COOL! Darth Vader, by a strange plot twist showed up riding on the back of the Dairy Fairy. HI KIDS! STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS! Dimitri, who happened to be smoking crack jumped off of the blimp and caught on fire in mid atmosphere. Dude… THIS IS SO WICKED!

Murray grabbed a fork and started to chew on one of those funky barrels of gasoline. "ahh… gas." Murray burst into sudden flame. AHH! THIS IS JUST LIKE CANCOON ALL OVER AGAIN! Murray followed Dimitri off the side of the blimp. (After grabbing a joint of course.)

So… what now? Sly said. I know lets HAVE A RAP BATTLE! Sly jumped on clockla's dead corpse.

My name is Sly and I am so cool!

I think that if Murray would flop it would rule

The one thing better than that would be

If Neyla the Crap hole were stuck in a tree!

Word!

Murray flung sly to a foreign country because of his apparent failure to read the chapter of this story entitled 'Neyla the Craphole is stuck in a Tree' and stood on Clockla

My name is murray don't be hating on me

The only math I can do is three times three

I once killed a bunny and now he is dead

Sly owns a pet kitty that sleeps on his head

I know I've never said but now I don't mind

I've never really liked the life of crime…

Carmelita blasted Murray off and stood on Clockla.

Carmelita's in the house and you're all under arrest

Because Murray never passed his state drivers test

Your raps all suck, and that's another fine

You crazy crack heads are killing my mind

Yet there was that time that you saved me and then…

CRUD, AND JACK THIS, I'M LEAVING FOR BERLIN!

Carmelita hotwired Clockla's dead body and flew away to some foreign country.

Neyla's ghost stood on the now empty platform

I know you hate me and I hate you too

But Sly Cooper's breath really smells like a shoe

And I do not think that he wears any socks

And I would rather be singing this song to a rock.

Word.

The genie appeared. "Your wish has been granted!" The genie got that really screwed face again and the dead spirit of Neyla possessed the annoying powerpuff girl with the blonde hair. "CHEESE!" She screamed. It was the only thing she could say… the dairy fairy picked Neyla up and flew her back unwillingly to the retarded town of Townsville. (The worst punishment in the world in my opinion.)

Arpeggio hopped on the platform and started to sing.

I am a birdy, yet I am demonic

I learned most of my English from 'Hooked on Phonics'

Let us read a good book and maybe if then

I am in a good mood I will buy you a hen.

General Tsao showed up out of a plot twist hole and decapitated Arpeggio's head.

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

So, do you like the Rap battle? Here is a list of animals I shall make rap in the next chapter.

Dr. M

Bentley & Penelope

Clockwerk (finale)

General Tsao & Jing King & Panda King

Jean Bison

Rajan

Any suggestions are welcome, as always, REVIEW!


	8. Sly Cooper Rap Battle 2!

Okay, heres rap battle part three, as promised

Dr. M

Bentley & Penelope

Clockwerk (finale)

General Tsao & Jing King & Panda King

Jean Bison

Rajan

After a long afternoon spent rapping no one was tired, so Dr. M magically appeared and started to rap.

Yo, I'm Dr. M and I rap and can't sing

See my purple fur and observe the plug bling

I think Darth Vader's cool so I'll drop you a line

SLY I AM YOUR FATHER! AND THAT CANE IS SOOO MINE!

Sly, too shocked to move, teleported the cane that he got to doctor M. Dr M laughed maniacally, so the pineapple ate him.

Bentley and Penelope jumped on the pineapple and started to sing.

Bentley is ugly and he's failing physics

To all of my fans and to all of my critics

I think that I suck, so I shall stop now

(But Bentley can go cause he learned rap from Tsao)

I'm a disabled turtle but don't freak

See, Penelope, I CAN rap so heres the, um, 593?

I may not look good, and be really weak

At least I'm not the one who enjoys eating cheese

The dairy fairy picked Penelope up and magically transported her to Townsville

Suddenly, Jing, panda king, and General Tsao came up and Jing started to sing.

No no no no, Tsao is a dumb crow!

I wonder if I slap you dead

Can I still kidnap-your-daughter-kidnap-your-daughter?

P.K.-

Tsao you are ugly and you stink at rap  
I may not know much but that slang is whack

The dairy fairy ate Tsao and Leia and him played a game of cards.

Suddenly, Clockwerk came to life

GRRAAWWKK!

I am a bird with three identities

Would someone tell me who I am please?

Well, I was a real bird, but I guess then

I became metal and killed the UN

But then that cat Neyla went on a joy ride?

It was fun frying her, I'm glad she died

I was so happy I almost cried

I may be real ugly but birdy got back

(Sly) I think that clockwork may be on crack

Suddenly Clockwerk rapped

This is irrelevant, like Neyla said

But isn't the blimp we're all on dead?

Everyone looked at the blimp and it busted

GAAHHHH!

The End

Next chap. Okay, I'm doing something a little different for the next chapter… MUAHHAHAHAHAHA! I'm letting you guys pick from now on, if you have a good one, I'll use it, heres the URL where you can go to give me ideas

H t t p / p a n d a k i n g . p r o b o a r d s 3 3 . c o m

Without the spaces of course! Panda King shrine


	9. Larry the Evil Shopping Bag

Thanks to all the people who reviewed, especially the red panda guy! Major props, sorry to keep y'all waiting, but I'm a high schooler now, and I am a founder and I admin at an anime forum and several others… I really don't have time to write most of the time, so sorry about that! I'll try update more!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

One day Sly was incredibly bored, so like the raccoon he supposedly is, he decided to dig through his neighbor Rajan's garbage can. Lalalalala, it was a pretty day, Sly dove into the trashcan. It smelled like banana peels and rotting soy milk. Ahh. Suddenly, Sly's face hit a plastic bag. The plastic bag was smiling at him. The plastic bag attacked and sly used his pretty sparkly ninja stars to pin it to the magical wall that had just appeared for the author's convenient twist in plot. "Oh, plastic bag, you have done me a terrible Injustice!" Sly was incredibly high on something, so the plastic bag started to talk to him. Everyone knows plastic bags only talk to high people. "HEEELLLOOO… Yo mad wak gangsta; yo be trippin in my hooooooooooooooooood!" Sly replied "what is this 'hood' that you speak of, take me to your leader!" The plastic bag cackled evilly and caught on fire because there was a torch monkey in the bag. The bag burned Rajan's house down. Rajan was sad. Rajan went to pick some flowers with Neyla's decapitated head because he was sad. Then Rajan was a happy hobo.

THE END!

Muahahahahahaha I left y'all a cliffhanger


	10. Why he author left Now in story form

Sorry for the huge amount of sly bashing. I'm quite aware that he's acting totally out of character, and I'm sorry if any offence is taken. How're you guys doing? It's been quite a while since I have posted any on this story. Better late than never though, yeah? xD

I decided to write a fun story about why I was gone so long.

GHGHGHGGHDLSSLFSHGLIFEHFSLFNEUFHHF:FHI:FH:IIFOSHFHSIFEIOHEFHL FH SHFOSFHHF:HO?HIELE:RJIOR:EWJFL:JKFJS:LIJIO:ERJNM:SJFJSF:JI:EFJ

Sly was once standing on a roof in Canada; this particular roof was infamous for being the infamous roof of the infamous dark deep and deathly death. It was called so because once, a distant cousin of sly had fallen off the roof and… well… died. Why did sly care so much? One might say that the coopers are a close knit clan whose members would sacrifice and die for each other. While this story is deeply touching, it is also total bull. Sly is just a drama queen who can't stay out of the spotlight. (You know it's true)

Sly hit the roof with his dastardly staff of dastardly death.

"GYAR! DEEPLY LOVED COUSIN WHO I SO KNEW AND LOVED I SHALL AVENGE YOU BY DESTROYING THIS ROOF AND DESTROYING ALL OF THE PEOPLE AND THINGS AFFILIATED WITH THIS ROOF ect." While sly was beating the living crap out of the roof (if that's even possible) Carmelita was on the ground looking for sly. Carmelita had not been out of her tree in several years, and therefore, was very nervous. A moose came up to Carmelita

" Madam, are you OK?" Moose, contrary to popular opinion are very smart, but Carmelita didn't know this because of a simple fact. Carmelita does not speak moose, and has never spoken moose. Carmelita pinned the poor moose to a tree.

"DO YOU KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS OF SLY COOPER?!!"

The moose squealed, Carmelita was bored so she shot the moose and something magical happened. A leprechaun popped out of the ground and got a hold of the moose's corpse.

"Stop Fiend!!" The leprechaun, who was in charge of finding all of the people and things that got killed so sly cooper could remain at an E rating promptly dropped dead of fright. This fanfic and the game were both sent on hiatus because at that moment a train went off the tracks and smashed through all of the buildings, killing many animals and leaving gamers unshielded from the Canadian ducks colorful vocabulary. Sly jumped off of the building and headed forth to Hawaii where it was much less cold and deadly.

Until Next Time….


End file.
